Wednesday, 28 May 2014


Sorry I know I said id do this post the same day as the last one, but its hard to remember getting back into it.
So while ive been gone, stuff has been happening. Last week I became an aunty to the most beautiful baby girl. She's amazing in every possible way. My sister and her husband, along with baby Ruby, have become a lovely family.

And I have been on a date. That was something new. Ive been out with men before but not on a proper date. It was lovely and amazing and it felt very right. But this is where it gets complicated. This is where I get complicated.

I have spent so long convincing myself that I do not deserve what other people have in relationships. I dont deserve someone who wants to be with me, who wants to make me happy. I told myself noone would want me. Im broken and damaged and scarred and fucked up. Who would want that? I trained myself to believe that I didnt want any of that, that I was better on my own, then I wouldnt hurt anyone and noone would hurt me. But then he came along and he has fucked all that up, in the best possible way. We used to work together and then he left, and we have been texting for about a year and a half. Yes really that long lol. So even though weve only had one date, we know each other. We have conversations, usually kinda deep conversations going until 3 in the morning. He text me this mornin, he just simply text, 'morning gorgeous' but it made me smile as soon as I woke up.
I think from our convos he understands that its been a while, and he seems to have some issues as well. He said its been a while for him too. I think if I told him about my 'problems', he might understand. But im not ready to share them yet. He says lovely things to me, Ive told him that I have issues, that makes it hard to let go and trust people. He replied saying he wanted to be with me to just hold me. It scares me because I think something will wreak it, but I like him, a lot. A lot more than I thought I could like anyone.

My 'problems' have worsened since I left blogger. I havent changed weight much, just fluctuating between 102-104IBS. At my lowest I was 94, but I havent even seen 99 this year. My self harm has gotten worse and more frequent as well, I have changed my weapon of choice and it makes it much easier to 'ease the pain'. I have become more numb while self harming too, I havent decided weather thats a good or a bad thing yet. Ive been purging, not loads but more than usual, the urge is there a lot.

I am scarred and I am cut, Im destroying my skin and my health. Im tired all the time and I look like crap, but he is (along with my new little neice) the only thing that makes me smile.
I think he could make me really happy, if only I knew how to let him.

sorry for the essay, and if you made it to here, thanks. I hope if anyone is reading this that youre doing ok?

Sunday, 25 May 2014

Actually back this time

Hi, so its been a while. I was stuck in a rut with weightloss and just life in general so I didnt think I had anything to talk about.
thank you erin for you lovely comment, it was so nice to log on and see that someone remembered me :)
I will do a more detailed post tonite, I just wanted to do this one and say hi. I hope I can get myself back I to this little community because I have missed it a lot, hope youre all doin well and I will talk more later.
But this is me back, no more posting once then disappearing.  Properly back.

Saturday, 16 November 2013


Hi, sorry I did 3 posts then just disappeared. Im just feeling a bit lost and didnt want to rant on about miserable things.
Food is going bad. Im so lonely, and im eating to try and make myself feel better. This is something that has never worked. Thinking about food, preparing food, eating food, I dont get any enjoyment from it, and at no point does it make me feel better, but I still carry on regardless.

Good news?? Yeh, so im going to be an aunty! My sister has a baby in her belly!
Im really happy about this, but I dont want to be a negative influence on this little person, if I carry on how I am.... too long to go into, another time.

Thank you so much for all your comments! I promise I will get replying to them all, im so grateful that you could take the time to say something nice to me, ive resd them all more than once and they really make me feel better so thank you.I promise I will reply.

I cant really complain about being lonely, ive got the loveliest dog lying snoring beside me.
(Wont let me upload picture, but trust me, shes beautiful :) )

Thursday, 17 October 2013

getting somewhere...

The last week or so has been just food for me. I dont know if they are what most people would call binges but to me they were. My binges arent measured by amount of food as such, its more about when and how I eat, when im not hungry, when im not wanting anything, when I eat for the sake of eating just because I can, then when I keep going, that is what I class as a binge.
And its a lot of food throughout the whole day rather than all in one or two sittings. But yeh, so the last week at least I have been hitting 2500 calories at least. I started out with the best of intentions then it all goes to shit, and I eat so much I cant even keep up with the calories,  I told myself I just needed one day to stop the cycle.

And yesterday was that day. I finally had a good day. I had just over 1300 calories,  and although thats higher than I m comfortable with, I was happy with it. I very nearly blew it late last night but I didnt and im so glad because this morning I was down 1.4ibs from yesterday. I know it wasnt real weight, but it still felt nice to see.

This is me getting my shit together, I will get back to where I was, I have 9ibs to lose to get back to my lowest weight, which I havent seen in about a year. And 5ibs to get my lowest weight of this year.

Im really glad to be back blogging, even if no one reads it, its good to write it down I think.

Saturday, 5 October 2013

Glad but sad...

My brother has been away for the best part of a year, and got home yesterday,  it was his birthday a few weeks back and seeing as we missed it my sister did a welcome home/happy birthday dinner tonight. It was really nice spending time with my brother and sister and mum and brother in law, after him being away so long, but oh my god so much fucking food! My sister went to such an effort, she had ballons and bunting and she made so much food! I got him a cake and my sister made cookies and brownies and there was a box of sweets, and ah!!
It was a fun night but I feel like shit now.
It is almost 2am here and I have been up since 5 this morning for work. But the dog has been walked and fed and is now sound asleep,  as I should be.

Im not feeling great, its been a strange couple of weeks, but I am going to do better.
I am. I am. I am.

Thursday, 3 October 2013

Take two, I suppose...

Hi, this is my take two of blogging. I started about 3 and a half years ago, but I will not bore you with details, now I am here. I hope to fit in here, I hope to find people like me. Me? This is me, not very glamorous, not very interesting, plain and honest, just me.

My name is Rachel, Im 20 years old. I have a bit of a problem with being 'normal', I have what could be called issues. I am a girl that is scared of life, I starve, I binge, I purge, I self harm, I paint a smile on my face, because these are just my ways of coping. I find grown up things impossible to deal with, so I use these, maybe slightly unhealthy, ways of not having to deal with anything.

But thats not all I am, I work, I have family, friends and a lovely dog. I like butterflies and cosy jumpers, singing when no-one is around to hear, buying papercraft magazines and making cards. I am more than my food issues. 

So there I am, not interesting or different, but me. 
I hope maybe I can help people, listen when they are down, make someone feel less alone, and hopefully get the same for myself.
Thanks for reading if you got this far.