Wednesday, 28 May 2014


Sorry I know I said id do this post the same day as the last one, but its hard to remember getting back into it.
So while ive been gone, stuff has been happening. Last week I became an aunty to the most beautiful baby girl. She's amazing in every possible way. My sister and her husband, along with baby Ruby, have become a lovely family.

And I have been on a date. That was something new. Ive been out with men before but not on a proper date. It was lovely and amazing and it felt very right. But this is where it gets complicated. This is where I get complicated.

I have spent so long convincing myself that I do not deserve what other people have in relationships. I dont deserve someone who wants to be with me, who wants to make me happy. I told myself noone would want me. Im broken and damaged and scarred and fucked up. Who would want that? I trained myself to believe that I didnt want any of that, that I was better on my own, then I wouldnt hurt anyone and noone would hurt me. But then he came along and he has fucked all that up, in the best possible way. We used to work together and then he left, and we have been texting for about a year and a half. Yes really that long lol. So even though weve only had one date, we know each other. We have conversations, usually kinda deep conversations going until 3 in the morning. He text me this mornin, he just simply text, 'morning gorgeous' but it made me smile as soon as I woke up.
I think from our convos he understands that its been a while, and he seems to have some issues as well. He said its been a while for him too. I think if I told him about my 'problems', he might understand. But im not ready to share them yet. He says lovely things to me, Ive told him that I have issues, that makes it hard to let go and trust people. He replied saying he wanted to be with me to just hold me. It scares me because I think something will wreak it, but I like him, a lot. A lot more than I thought I could like anyone.

My 'problems' have worsened since I left blogger. I havent changed weight much, just fluctuating between 102-104IBS. At my lowest I was 94, but I havent even seen 99 this year. My self harm has gotten worse and more frequent as well, I have changed my weapon of choice and it makes it much easier to 'ease the pain'. I have become more numb while self harming too, I havent decided weather thats a good or a bad thing yet. Ive been purging, not loads but more than usual, the urge is there a lot.

I am scarred and I am cut, Im destroying my skin and my health. Im tired all the time and I look like crap, but he is (along with my new little neice) the only thing that makes me smile.
I think he could make me really happy, if only I knew how to let him.

sorry for the essay, and if you made it to here, thanks. I hope if anyone is reading this that youre doing ok?

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